This month’s IHATEMICHAELSHIRLEY.COM Giveaway is sponsored by Blood Is The New Black!
This is an INTERNATIONAL CONTEST, so anyone-anywhere can win. There are also 3 prize packs, so that means 3 winners!
Here is what we are giving away:
($20 value)
I HATE MICHAEL SHIRLEY: MARCH GIVEAWAY: Blood Is The New Black -
This month’s IHATEMICHAELSHIRLEY.COM Giveaway is sponsored by Blood Is The New Black!
This is an INTERNATIONAL CONTEST, so anyone-anywhere can win. There are also 3 prize packs, so that means 3 winners!
Here is what we are giving away:
($20 value)
if you can sell out your best friend, what would you do to me…
No matter how happy I wanna be for you, I can’t be. I honestly thought that I had moved on from you but I haven’t. Sure, I’ve seen that I deserve to be treated much better than you’ve treated me but it doesn’t mean that my love for you can just be turned off. It’s nights like this that I miss you the most and upset me more than ever because I know I will never feel your embrace again. It kills me to know I don’t make you as happy as you make me… It fucking kills me. I haven’t cried for you in a about 2weeks and it upsets me that I am tonight.
I love you and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop… I wish I would have never let you into my life.
How is it that letting go is so much harder than holding on? You would think that after months and months of being taken for granted - having all of your emotions pretty much regarded to as completely frivolous - that you would be able to just throw in the towel with absolutely no hesitation. Unfortunately, this is never the case. Nothing is ever that easy, because if it were, it would have never been worth it to begin with. I’ve fought this battle for you, against the odds, for what seems like an eternity. Regardless of my feelings towards you, I cannot fight a losing battle forever, and I have finally come to realize that. I love you far more than you have possibly ever loved me. As much as it pains me to let you and the dreams of what I hoped we would one day have together go, I know that for my happiness and sanity, it is truly for the best. Let’s go back… I remember how special you made me feel from our very first conversation. The early morning texts. The late night phone calls. The closer friends we became, the more apparent it was to the both of us how easily the line could be blurred. I didn’t believe you when you said I would fall, but I wish I had known I would be where I am today, feeling the way I am, so that I could have run far, far away from you. It seems as though in the same amount of time that it took you to break down the wall around my heart, you were able to completely break what you tried so hard to get to. Why? I thought the world of you. The sun rose and set with you as far as I was concerned, but no matter what, the love I had to offer you wasn’t enough to make you happy. So here I am today. Trying to put together a blog to help me sort out my emotions. I really did start the process of forgetting you as a lover and returning you to simply just a friend, but when the last string was to be cut I couldn’t help but think if this is what my heart really wants, even though it’s what it needs. Perhaps I was just blinded by love in the 2 year span that is our deep and very confusing “friendship,” but as I look back now, I realize just how long you have been hurting me. And still I ask… Why? I would have given you the world and all you have given me is a broken heart. I have been your best friend, your confidant, your biggest fan, and your greatest defender. When the people around me had stamped you as a ‘bad guy,’ I found any and every which way to refute their arguments. Excuse after excuse I made for you everytime you hurt me, going back to your girlfriend when you had promised it was the end, but I just wasn’t willing to see it that way until now. Everyone around me saw you slowly draining the life, love and spirit from me. They all made multiple efforts to get me see the light, and always fell short. I was a woman in love, I saw nothing of what I didn’t want to see and everything of what was possibly never even there. Because up until recently, although I had admitted to myself and others of all of the times that you had hurt me, I never truly acknowledged them. For some sick reason, no matter how much you had hurt me in the past, I was always willing to forgive, forget, and move on. But not this time… I have seen that there is a world outside of you and my feelings for you. I’m not stupid, I knew it was there before; however, I never truly let my mind register the fact. But now, I have finally let myself experience that there are other people that are willing to treat me the way I wish for you to treat me, the way I deserve to be treated. And so here I am today. I didn’t get out anywhere near the amount of thoughts I have running through my head into this blog, but I have all the time in the world for that later. Right now I want to finally say that I’m ready. I’m ready to experience and receive the love I deserve to. Although it hurts to let go of my feelings for you and to see you move on with such ease, I know in my broken little heart that this is the first step in putting it back together. I still love you and forever will. Perhaps once you’ve gotten everything out of your system and have figured things out, you will realize I’m the one, that I always have been and that I always will be. In the meantime, I need to let go. If and when the time comes for us to be together, we will go from there. Until then, I deserve to be happy as well, free from the hurt and heartache that come from waiting for you. You warned me that I would fall… Why, oh why, couldn’t I just believe you? Just take the warning and leave. I wouldn’t be the emotional mess I am right now.
No body said it was easy. No one ever said that it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start….
Why exactly do people feel the need to lie… And by people, i mean men. And by lie i mostly mean give out lines like candy. Youve already gotten what you want from me so there is absolutely no reason to lie about your “feelings” at this point. But still… you do. Why is that? And im sorry any men who are reading this thinking, “hey.. Im not a liar” bc you are! Haha jk. This post is aimed at someone in particular.. Well, a few people i guess you could even say. Anywho, my reason for writing this post is because im trying to get to bed and i just cant! Ive got too much on my mind. All the words keep playing over in my head and so i sit here and wonder… Was there even any truth behind them? I mean, it not the first time you told me those things.. However it also wouldnt be the first time a guy went out of his way and blatantly lied to get laid. I guess my main concern would be the huge waste of my time it would be if i actually buy into them. I just wish i knew for certain what your actual intentions are. I guess what im saying is if you actually mean the things that you say, perhaps you should start trying to prove it. Youre upset that no one takes you seriously but its no ones fault but your own. Everything you have done up to now has helped people come to their conclusion about what kind of person they think you are and im sorry that im one of the ones that doesnt take you seriously. However, if im the only one whos mind you would like to change… It wouldnt hurt for you to try to talk to me more often, want to get to know more about me and even take me out. It would certainly make me start thinking that im not just a late night friend. I guess only time will tell if your i tentions are true.
Ill also try to remember its a two way street… Ive done my part, your turn.
Ive hit my breaking point. With everyone…
I hate these nights that i cant sleep.. so i just sit up in bed, thinking about everything that my poor little brain can handle. Although ive got a lot on my mind tonight, it keeps going back to the fact that this is the first year i didnt send you an insanely long email on your birthday, trying to reach out to you in hopes that for some reason… You actually reply this time. Maybe ive finally moved on from the pain and deep sadness you caused me over 5 years ago. (yea.. 5 years. pathetic, i know) or perhaps i realized that my attempts at reaching out to you are completely useless, as they always were. Either way i am extremely relieved with the fact that i no longer dwell on ‘us’ on your birthday.. Which is just one day of many that remind me of you. However, as i mentioned.. i am also deeply saddened in a way by this. Saddened because i still never did get my closure. But that is something i will just have to call a wash ive learned. When you walked out that day.. I thought my life was over. You left my heart crushed, broken and shattered into millions of pieces… As were all dreams i had of ever being part of my OWN family. I dont know if you realize the impact you had on me with the way you went about things to end us… But it shattered me. I turned myself off emotionally for the next few years and went through a very tough period in my life of which i am not proud of.. But somehow taught me a lesson in the sick and twisted way life likes to do that. For this.. I both hate and thank you. You fucked me. I will never be te same girl i was when we first met. She is dead. And in glad. She was naive. You taught that girl a lesson and from that i was born. Some people may think the person i am today is no better than the person i was then and to them i say ‘fuck you’ because they dont know the hell you put me through. The lesson you taight. And the further pain i have avoided because you made me stronger by walking out. I didnt see it that day and even 2 years ago i still didt. But i do now.. And i want to thank you. You still have a piece of my heart as you always will.. But you gave me the greatest gift someone could. You gave me the gift of life and freedom (in your own fucked up way) but its great nonetheless. You have taught me to make decisions not because someone wants me to but because i want to. I will always love you for that. If ever you find yourself reading this one day.. Please know that i never hated you and i never will. And no matter what, i would hope that you and your new family are safe and well.
drooler ended up sleeping on my foot almost the whole way back to santa barbara
we ended up evacuating and headed to anza.. so boring yet kinda fun
the fire right before it took a crazy turn and then headed in our direction.