I hate these nights that i cant sleep.. so i just sit up in bed, thinking about everything that my poor little brain can handle. Although ive got a lot on my mind tonight, it keeps going back to the fact that this is the first year i didnt send you an insanely long email on your birthday, trying to reach out to you in hopes that for some reason… You actually reply this time. Maybe ive finally moved on from the pain and deep sadness you caused me over 5 years ago. (yea.. 5 years. pathetic, i know) or perhaps i realized that my attempts at reaching out to you are completely useless, as they always were. Either way i am extremely relieved with the fact that i no longer dwell on ‘us’ on your birthday.. Which is just one day of many that remind me of you. However, as i mentioned.. i am also deeply saddened in a way by this. Saddened because i still never did get my closure. But that is something i will just have to call a wash ive learned. When you walked out that day.. I thought my life was over. You left my heart crushed, broken and shattered into millions of pieces… As were all dreams i had of ever being part of my OWN family. I dont know if you realize the impact you had on me with the way you went about things to end us… But it shattered me. I turned myself off emotionally for the next few years and went through a very tough period in my life of which i am not proud of.. But somehow taught me a lesson in the sick and twisted way life likes to do that. For this.. I both hate and thank you. You fucked me. I will never be te same girl i was when we first met. She is dead. And in glad. She was naive. You taught that girl a lesson and from that i was born. Some people may think the person i am today is no better than the person i was then and to them i say ‘fuck you’ because they dont know the hell you put me through. The lesson you taight. And the further pain i have avoided because you made me stronger by walking out. I didnt see it that day and even 2 years ago i still didt. But i do now.. And i want to thank you. You still have a piece of my heart as you always will.. But you gave me the greatest gift someone could. You gave me the gift of life and freedom (in your own fucked up way) but its great nonetheless. You have taught me to make decisions not because someone wants me to but because i want to. I will always love you for that. If ever you find yourself reading this one day.. Please know that i never hated you and i never will. And no matter what, i would hope that you and your new family are safe and well.