How is it that letting go is so much harder than holding on? You would think that after months and months of being taken for granted - having all of your emotions pretty much regarded to as completely frivolous - that you would be able to just throw in the towel with absolutely no hesitation. Unfortunately, this is never the case. Nothing is ever that easy, because if it were, it would have never been worth it to begin with. I’ve fought this battle for you, against the odds, for what seems like an eternity. Regardless of my feelings towards you, I cannot fight a losing battle forever, and I have finally come to realize that. I love you far more than you have possibly ever loved me. As much as it pains me to let you and the dreams of what I hoped we would one day have together go, I know that for my happiness and sanity, it is truly for the best. Let’s go back… I remember how special you made me feel from our very first conversation. The early morning texts. The late night phone calls. The closer friends we became, the more apparent it was to the both of us how easily the line could be blurred. I didn’t believe you when you said I would fall, but I wish I had known I would be where I am today, feeling the way I am, so that I could have run far, far away from you. It seems as though in the same amount of time that it took you to break down the wall around my heart, you were able to completely break what you tried so hard to get to. Why? I thought the world of you. The sun rose and set with you as far as I was concerned, but no matter what, the love I had to offer you wasn’t enough to make you happy. So here I am today. Trying to put together a blog to help me sort out my emotions. I really did start the process of forgetting you as a lover and returning you to simply just a friend, but when the last string was to be cut I couldn’t help but think if this is what my heart really wants, even though it’s what it needs. Perhaps I was just blinded by love in the 2 year span that is our deep and very confusing “friendship,” but as I look back now, I realize just how long you have been hurting me. And still I ask… Why? I would have given you the world and all you have given me is a broken heart. I have been your best friend, your confidant, your biggest fan, and your greatest defender. When the people around me had stamped you as a ‘bad guy,’ I found any and every which way to refute their arguments. Excuse after excuse I made for you everytime you hurt me, going back to your girlfriend when you had promised it was the end, but I just wasn’t willing to see it that way until now. Everyone around me saw you slowly draining the life, love and spirit from me. They all made multiple efforts to get me see the light, and always fell short. I was a woman in love, I saw nothing of what I didn’t want to see and everything of what was possibly never even there. Because up until recently, although I had admitted to myself and others of all of the times that you had hurt me, I never truly acknowledged them. For some sick reason, no matter how much you had hurt me in the past, I was always willing to forgive, forget, and move on. But not this time… I have seen that there is a world outside of you and my feelings for you. I’m not stupid, I knew it was there before; however, I never truly let my mind register the fact. But now, I have finally let myself experience that there are other people that are willing to treat me the way I wish for you to treat me, the way I deserve to be treated. And so here I am today. I didn’t get out anywhere near the amount of thoughts I have running through my head into this blog, but I have all the time in the world for that later. Right now I want to finally say that I’m ready. I’m ready to experience and receive the love I deserve to. Although it hurts to let go of my feelings for you and to see you move on with such ease, I know in my broken little heart that this is the first step in putting it back together. I still love you and forever will. Perhaps once you’ve gotten everything out of your system and have figured things out, you will realize I’m the one, that I always have been and that I always will be. In the meantime, I need to let go. If and when the time comes for us to be together, we will go from there. Until then, I deserve to be happy as well, free from the hurt and heartache that come from waiting for you. You warned me that I would fall… Why, oh why, couldn’t I just believe you? Just take the warning and leave. I wouldn’t be the emotional mess I am right now.

No body said it was easy. No one ever said that it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start….